Body Image and Those Silly Hang-Up's

Here is this weeks post.  It's a funny one and I hope you'll see the humor in it as I did.  This past week I did pretty well.  I had a couple cheats but nothing to get all twisted over.  Life is short and if I can't enjoy being naughty, just once in a while then why bother.  Slow and steady wins the race I say. 

So here's my funny story for you to enjoy.

As most of you know my folks are older and there is a bit of a generation gap.  My mom, is 100% Irish and was born and raised just outside of Halifax, Nova Scotia Canada - I'm going somewhere with this, hang in there.  She  was a girl raised in the 40's, by a mother that seemed to be more worried about "what would the neighbors think" and went to Mass daily.  Well of course Constance Bridget Kanavagh-Crowder would follow suit.  Sex and the human body were never discussed in our household.  One statement that will always echo in my head (and which my brother and I still laugh about) is "Don't touch your face, don't touch your hair, don't touch your body...  Just LEAVE yourself ALONE"  I'm laughing now as I write this.

So of course growing up on the chubby-side and then this little nugget I've never really had a positive body image and being naked is uncomfortable for me - unless it's lights out and sheets draped cleverly around me. This is my backdrop for the rest of the story.

Let's fast forward to The Everett House here in Portland.  I bought a Groupon for their float-tank.  I've heard that it helps with back issues.  I went to their web-site and saw how lovely the house looked with outdoor hot tub, steam and the works.  I thought to myself - it's perfect!  I need a little spiritually recharge.  
It's noted that the house is "clothing optional"  I'm ok with that...  to each their own - be free people!  I show up and there in the entry way is a man in his early 50's buck ass naked. Just sittin' there chillin' in all his glory.  As the girl takes me to the area I will be enjoying I do my best not to look shocked - I just wasn't prepared for that.  She's showing me the house and grounds.  It's LOVELY.  It was a gorgeous fall day, leaves on the ground, sunny truly life wasn't getting much better than this.  At this point, no other people other than myself and Buck Naked - I feel relieved.  Now to the area I will be enjoying....  To my controlled horror it's explained to me that its completely co-ed.  No ladies area no men's area (wasn't expecting that).  We shower, dress and share everything.  For God-sakes there wasn't even a door or curtain for the shower area.  Now before you start thinking...  WOW is this a swingers place?  A house of ill repute?  Naw nothing like that.  There are signs and I felt perfectly comfortable in that respect.  I just had the issue of for Feck Sakes...  what am I going to do?  All I brought with me were a couple towels.  I calm down.  Praise Jesus there is no one around so I quickly change, run to the shower and head into the float tank.  It was nice and once I got over the shock value I began to simmer down.  I thought SCREW IT if Buck Naked can do it then by Golly I will too!  This is my challenge and now is as good as ever to start getting comfortable with my body.  Be free....  enjoy the hot tub with sun on your face and the amazing smell of damp leaves.  So I rinse off, grab my towel and I'm thrilled with the thoughts of (dang if mom could see me now - she'd be HORRIFIED!)  I'm walking on the pathway to the hot tub area.  Oh Lord, I hear voices male voices.  I'm ok, just open the gate and with your head held high and get into that hot tub...  you can do this!  As the wooden gate creeks open I spot two lovely 20's somethings.  Their bodies perfect.  My eyes locked onto the dark-haired lad.  I couldn't do it - my God it wasn't my job to show these two lovelies what a 45yr old, overweight female looks like.  They could be scared for life.  So I casually close the gate and decide I will hit the steam room and maybe once I'm done then they will be out of the tub and we can pass like ships in the night.  Ahhhh steam room with a hint of eucalyptus.  It's heavenly and I relax but only for a moment.  I see this steamy image of a man entering the room.  God he's lovely and he sits on the other side of me.  At this point my impure thoughts of what I'd like to do to this boy is obscene.  I do a mental slap to myself and focus on breathing and "how good this steam is for me".  I sit there for another 5mins or so and decide it's time I leave and find other adventure.  I open the door and there is his buddy, naked from his shower and getting ready to dry off.  This is just too much for me.  Thank goodness there is a bathroom with a door close by.  I go in there praying to everything that is holy and good to please let me be able to get into the shower - alone and be able to shower in peace and get dressed without  these gorgeous bodies around me.

As luck would have it - or perhaps they vibed me and thought...  Poor lady let's give her some privacy, she keeps trying to avoid us.  I was able to shower and be fully clothed before it was time for them to get dressed.

What a predicament!  I have never laughed so hard, felt more trapped or felt more foolish than I did that day.  I will try it again one day.  Maybe not there but somewhere where I can feel comfortable walking around in nature with my head held high and sun kissing my entire body.  Saying good bye to body issues and feeling comfortable within my own skin.

Today I ran 4 miles in 54.56 minutes - that's an average of 13:36 mile.  I'm looking forward to my times getting better and feeling empowered.

Don't Tell Me What I Can and Cannot Do!

 Yes, yes yes I'm loosing weight for myself, that's a given BUT one experience that recently happened both hurt me and made me so BLOODY angry.

One of the perks working for Legacy Health is discount at LA Fitness.  I signed up a few weeks ago and part of that is getting with a Personal Trainer one time.  Silly me back in the day that use to mean the trainer shows you around the gym and yes, ultimate goal is to sign you up for sessions.

Little did I know I was going to end up walking out of there feeling even worse about myself. I met with (GOD I don't even remember her name that's how pissed I am).  She's a woman close to 50.  She proudly tells me that  - she looks great can't take it away from her.  While dawning her perfect workout attire, messy yet perfectly placed hair, make-up, tiny waist and big boobs (if I were a betting woman my money was on fake)  We start out "getting to know" each other and "my fitness goals" duh look at me I need to lose weight.  Anywhooooo we talk personal stuff I'm thinking WOW she's really pretty cool, we're connecting, how nice.  We complete about 20min sample workout.  Mind you I wasn't shown any parts of the gym (cardio, universal weights, free weights, pool, courts -  nothing).  Now it's time to close.  Glengarry Glen Ross come to mind: Always Be Closing

All of a sudden she changes.  Number's are being crunched, spread sheet are shown Hell I thought I was signing up for a mortgage.  There was no "soft-sell" going on here at all.  She kept calling me "Sharon", thought I just moved from San Francisco evening though we had a long conversation about my life in Seattle.  When it was clear that I couldn't afford the crazy high upfront cost plus monthly fee's I politely said: NO, I can't afford it.  She wasn't letting me get away that easily she started with...  Well you have money for happy hours, eating out and lattes.  While she had a small point all of that would still not make up the cost for what she was asking and further more - how is my personal finance your business??? Again I say...  Even giving those things up I still can't afford what you're asking and I stopped her before she could say "Credit Card" I stated I would never put something like this on a card.

She glazes over, not hearing anything I say now.  Here's where it turns and I can feel my heart racing, my face turning red and dammit I hate this part I feel the sting of tears welling up (I fight those for everything that is Holy and good in this world).  She has the gall to say: Well clearly you can't do this on your own.  You need structure.  There was more but I've wiped that from my head.  All I could think of was:  FECK YOUUUU!  Feck you and your fake boobs, your insincerity and willing to tear someone down just to have your financial gain.  

I walk out of there with my head held high and while I wanted to fall into a puddle, curl up and think (only for a moment) I'm heavy and I'm gonna have to get use to it something inside me says Oh HELL nooooo!  You're going to let that Bimbo get the better of you?

As I've stated previously I know I can do this.  I've accomplished before and that makes me feel even more empowered!  I shall walk into the gym one of these days, ask for her and say:  Oh, so I needed you? Look what I've done on my own!  I'd love to bitch slap her then but I know that's not nice - I'll keep that for myself and play it in my head.
 

Building Up the Courage

I think Blogging is marvelous, especially for the author.  It's cathartic for some, empowering for others and validating for most of us.

Most of you know I've struggled with my weight ever since I was a kid.  As a kid my family always loved with food.  Sunday morning breakfast at Denny's (Jantzen Beach) after Mass at St. James, brings a smile to my face even now.  My dad's amazing pancakes.  More importantly his holiday meals with our extended family in San Francisco.  Good food and normal family for a few hours.

My mom was a bit of a health-nut and we use to have some, uh not so good lunches and snack foods around.  When I moved out of the house I ate myself silly with all the yummy sugary-fat cereals we Yanks so proudly make.  I worked a lot so fast food made sense...  I'm an adult now I eat what I want.  I got really fat in my early 20's.  By mid-20's I was done with that and I ate right and aerobics was my friend.  I looked great.

By late 20's went through divorce and moved up to Seattle.  Seattle was freeing and what I didn't do in my 20's I made up in my 30's.  Clubs, music and drink!  Let's just say I ballooned up again but not for long.  I met and crushed hard for a gym-rat.  Ohhh Sean O'Connor where are you now?  Anyway I went to the gym (weights) and started running.  I ran and I ran a lot.  I was eating healthy but not calorie counting or even worried about carbs etc I didn't have to.  Before I knew it I was addicted to gym and running.  The pounds melted away, I felt AMAZING and the world was my oyster!  I stayed thin for most of my 30's.  I'd like to thank Gaelic Football for help in that area as well, the sport and training will keep ya fit.  Yes my 30's were my Golden Decade.

No on to my 40's.  I had some life changes - isn't that a dumb statement?  Awww feel sorry for me I've had some "life changes"  Shooooot haven't we all?  My taste for micro-brews, pizza and all the yummy food carts around PDX I had no self control - YUM!  If I can't be in Seattle with what I am familiar with then HELL I'm gonna enjoy myself and find comfort here. I'm a foodie what can I say.  Even as I write this I've just polished off a delicious ham/cheese croissant from Bleu Door down the street - I'm terrible (blahahhahahah)!!!!

So why the hell am I starting this new Blogg?  I'll tell ya why...  I'm finally feeling comfortable in my city of Portland.  I've reconnected with some good friends, I've made some new wonderful friends, I want to make the best of where I'm living and most importantly I'm tired of being fat - not that PHAT I'm FAT! 

I've been so embarrassed to have full length pictures of myself.  I either pose w/people in front of me, choose NOT to be in the pic or the fat-girls standard: Just from the neck up please.  Hey guess what...  you ain't foolin' anyone!

So here's a recent pic.  I thought by "layering" it wasn't so bad - it IS oh boy is it ever!  So I'm calling myself out. Even as I pose I look uncomfortable.  I'm sure the thought was running thru my head... Why the hell am standing here rather than in the back row?

If I can Blogg my journey and have a few laughs and hopefully a few laughs with you I won't feel so alone.  Weight Watchers you say??  No I've been there and done that.  Not for me. Too much pressure. Hell if I'm hitting the gym pretty regularly, preparing healthy meals, balancing work and social life this is the avenue for me!

So let's see what happens here. I'm excited to looking like this again.  Happier times, smiles and feeling AMAZING again!  I can do this!!!