Body Image and Those Silly Hang-Up's

Here is this weeks post.  It's a funny one and I hope you'll see the humor in it as I did.  This past week I did pretty well.  I had a couple cheats but nothing to get all twisted over.  Life is short and if I can't enjoy being naughty, just once in a while then why bother.  Slow and steady wins the race I say. 

So here's my funny story for you to enjoy.

As most of you know my folks are older and there is a bit of a generation gap.  My mom, is 100% Irish and was born and raised just outside of Halifax, Nova Scotia Canada - I'm going somewhere with this, hang in there.  She  was a girl raised in the 40's, by a mother that seemed to be more worried about "what would the neighbors think" and went to Mass daily.  Well of course Constance Bridget Kanavagh-Crowder would follow suit.  Sex and the human body were never discussed in our household.  One statement that will always echo in my head (and which my brother and I still laugh about) is "Don't touch your face, don't touch your hair, don't touch your body...  Just LEAVE yourself ALONE"  I'm laughing now as I write this.

So of course growing up on the chubby-side and then this little nugget I've never really had a positive body image and being naked is uncomfortable for me - unless it's lights out and sheets draped cleverly around me. This is my backdrop for the rest of the story.

Let's fast forward to The Everett House here in Portland.  I bought a Groupon for their float-tank.  I've heard that it helps with back issues.  I went to their web-site and saw how lovely the house looked with outdoor hot tub, steam and the works.  I thought to myself - it's perfect!  I need a little spiritually recharge.  
It's noted that the house is "clothing optional"  I'm ok with that...  to each their own - be free people!  I show up and there in the entry way is a man in his early 50's buck ass naked. Just sittin' there chillin' in all his glory.  As the girl takes me to the area I will be enjoying I do my best not to look shocked - I just wasn't prepared for that.  She's showing me the house and grounds.  It's LOVELY.  It was a gorgeous fall day, leaves on the ground, sunny truly life wasn't getting much better than this.  At this point, no other people other than myself and Buck Naked - I feel relieved.  Now to the area I will be enjoying....  To my controlled horror it's explained to me that its completely co-ed.  No ladies area no men's area (wasn't expecting that).  We shower, dress and share everything.  For God-sakes there wasn't even a door or curtain for the shower area.  Now before you start thinking...  WOW is this a swingers place?  A house of ill repute?  Naw nothing like that.  There are signs and I felt perfectly comfortable in that respect.  I just had the issue of for Feck Sakes...  what am I going to do?  All I brought with me were a couple towels.  I calm down.  Praise Jesus there is no one around so I quickly change, run to the shower and head into the float tank.  It was nice and once I got over the shock value I began to simmer down.  I thought SCREW IT if Buck Naked can do it then by Golly I will too!  This is my challenge and now is as good as ever to start getting comfortable with my body.  Be free....  enjoy the hot tub with sun on your face and the amazing smell of damp leaves.  So I rinse off, grab my towel and I'm thrilled with the thoughts of (dang if mom could see me now - she'd be HORRIFIED!)  I'm walking on the pathway to the hot tub area.  Oh Lord, I hear voices male voices.  I'm ok, just open the gate and with your head held high and get into that hot tub...  you can do this!  As the wooden gate creeks open I spot two lovely 20's somethings.  Their bodies perfect.  My eyes locked onto the dark-haired lad.  I couldn't do it - my God it wasn't my job to show these two lovelies what a 45yr old, overweight female looks like.  They could be scared for life.  So I casually close the gate and decide I will hit the steam room and maybe once I'm done then they will be out of the tub and we can pass like ships in the night.  Ahhhh steam room with a hint of eucalyptus.  It's heavenly and I relax but only for a moment.  I see this steamy image of a man entering the room.  God he's lovely and he sits on the other side of me.  At this point my impure thoughts of what I'd like to do to this boy is obscene.  I do a mental slap to myself and focus on breathing and "how good this steam is for me".  I sit there for another 5mins or so and decide it's time I leave and find other adventure.  I open the door and there is his buddy, naked from his shower and getting ready to dry off.  This is just too much for me.  Thank goodness there is a bathroom with a door close by.  I go in there praying to everything that is holy and good to please let me be able to get into the shower - alone and be able to shower in peace and get dressed without  these gorgeous bodies around me.

As luck would have it - or perhaps they vibed me and thought...  Poor lady let's give her some privacy, she keeps trying to avoid us.  I was able to shower and be fully clothed before it was time for them to get dressed.

What a predicament!  I have never laughed so hard, felt more trapped or felt more foolish than I did that day.  I will try it again one day.  Maybe not there but somewhere where I can feel comfortable walking around in nature with my head held high and sun kissing my entire body.  Saying good bye to body issues and feeling comfortable within my own skin.

Today I ran 4 miles in 54.56 minutes - that's an average of 13:36 mile.  I'm looking forward to my times getting better and feeling empowered.